Unfriending Is A Legitimate Option
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to unfriend a hater, you should feel no guilt in doing so.
Free speech is a wonderful thing. Spiteful speech need not be tolerated. They get to say it, sure, but if it harshes your mellow, you get to block it.
Case in point, a recent post of mine on Facebook re: the ungodly hot summer we’re enduring. Legitimate scientists interviewed by CBS News (a credentialed and long-respected news outlet), are suggesting, “Hey, umm, not to get ya too riled up folks, but maybe we were right about the whole climate change thing? Maybe we’re starting to see some evidence?” I just used the opportunity to thank god (and the sainted Willis Carrier!) for air-conditioning.
But some folks love to stir $&# up:
While, luckily, Chris Brogan and Tim Allik appear to approve of my approach (in case it’s not obvious, I unfriended & blocked the fellow), I know there are other folks out there who might disagree with such “harsh measures.”
Like many others, I worry about how the web’s explosion of alternative content, combined with its ability to let us curate so that we “only read what we want to read” has decayed the culture. Then again, I feel adequately informed about the day’s news, and about right-leaning media influences, and anyway I try to take a live-and-let-live approach as much as possible… so when someone gets up in my grill every single time they disagree with me (which is often), at some point I decide my sanity trumps my slavish devotion to the First Amendment.
Please, agree or disagree (politely) in the comments? I am actually kinda fascinated by this topic.
Posted on: July 17, 2012 at 3:52 pm By Todd Defren
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Well.
This is the world and we need to wake up to the reality that not everyone will agree with us. The worse thing is trying to punish or get rid of this because it doesn’t matter your efforts to control it.
Just face it! sometimes people will disagree and sometimes they will agree. Being all emotional and angry about that is childish and wont resolve the situation.
It’s definitely an option – not sure why there’s any question about it. But I fail to see why unfrienders think that those they unfriend would even care they’ve been unfriended (so why broadcast intentions to unfriend/block someone or explain after the fact that you did?). Maybe in your case, the guy did care.
I see this occur usually on message boards (particularly sports-focused ones). Two guys argue for a while (in the same thread or through the course of time) and ultimately one says to the other, “Welcome to my ignore list.” Nothing could be more lame, IMO.
I think Americans tend to confuse the First Amendment with the license to be a jerk and not be criticized or excluded from a private forum.
If you’re truly fascinated by this topic then hopefully you will not mind hearing the truth. You attacked your friend first and then you acted surprised that he attacked back. Now, I get the part where you point that he’s always condescending but let’s face it…you knew that when you invited him to be your Facebook friend to begin with.
Now, about un-friending- I am personally against it unless there’s just no other way around it. Case and point; let’s use your example. A private message to your friend saying, “Hey…why do you always have to disagree with everything I post?”, probably would have received an entirely different response in a 1 on 1 conversation.
Again, you blew it on this one. Hopefully you’re not upset at my honesty because you asked for it.
I disagree. And he is not my real-life friend, fwiw. But thanks for weighing in.
Hi Todd,
Just getting around to seeing this. Yup, I think you were right. Some folks in social media seem to think that controversial topics like politics or religion (or climate change, I guess) are off limits, but I don’t. I also encourage people to express opposing viewpoints as long as they are civil and provide some real value. Sloganeering and disinformation, the hallmarks of the vast majority of climate change skeptics, don’t make the cut. This guy seemed like a typical troll and he deserved to be called out. You had every right to cut him loose.
On a similar vein… I got some nasty trolling on my blog page, so I wrote a few house rules (below). It helps me feel more content about what comments I publish these days. Break the rules and I block your comments!
I approve all genuine comments. But there are four house rules:
1. Please focus on the content of my posts or other comments. Don’t go off on a tangent.
2. If you want to direct readers to your own blog or another link, please ensure your comment includes a contribution to the debate.
3. Please don’t use obscene language including blasphemy and sexual swear words.
4. Don’t get personal. I will tolerate this if the comments are directed at me, but not if they are directed at other users. Personal attacks are rarely helpful.
Great post…Love your comment, “but if it harshes your mellow, you get to block it.”
So true. There are too many things that can get under your skin. You shouldn’t have to tolerate anyone that adds constant negativity to your life or any discussion.
Of course, this comes from someone who blocked her own father in law on email and facebook because he wouldn’t stop sending out all those far-right, extremist emails!
It’s not disagreeing so much as being a jerk. And in this “Dude’s” case being ignorant for the sake of being, well, ignorant. I don’t mind people disagreeing with me. I’ve got strong opinions and I don’t mind others sharing their own.
But it is how you do it, how often and the tone. All difficult to assess – granted. But If you feel good about it then that’s all that really matters.
Great insights, by the way, by Evan Roberts. I need to think about that one a bit more…
I have family on FB – I can’t unfriend them; I do love them. But – I have unsubscribed from their feeds and occasionally mute posts they have replied to because they seriously irritate me. That’s all it takes for me.
We’d all like to be rational about our choices, but we generally approach most everything from an emotional standpoint and emotions affect physical and emotional health. So sometimes an ‘irrational’ solution is actually the more rational solution.
In the end, the only reason one really needs to unfriend/block someone online is that one wants to. Public figures have more of a perception of fairness problem, but I personally make no pretensions to fairness. I feel life is too short for me to waste any of it on people who aggravate me, whatever the reason.
We all have our definitions of civility – and in a satisfactory world, most of these definitions overlap – but I undertake no obligation to meet the standards of others, nor explain my own.
Brilliant post.
It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one voting the asshats off my island… but I will admit it took some courage to finally start unfriending.
For so long I mistakenly believed that I needed to “be friends” with peers, competitors and anyone who wanted to connect. It wasn’t until I heard one of my “friends” tell a room full people that the reason they should connect with their competitors online was to harvest their contacts & contact their clients. Needless to say I did not write a recommendation and promptly dislodged myself from any form of connectivity.
I lost interest in Facebook almost completely because of behavior like that & decided to pair down my friends and create a public page for everyone else.
The “my house, my rules” goes for any social platform. . . Twitter, Facebook, blog. Too bad you can’t block anyone on Linkedin from commenting on your posts.
I’m still on the fence about Facebook – but enjoy it a helluva lot more now that I’m not afraid to unfriend those who don’t contribute constructively.
I’ve had similar experiences, but I can usually tell if the person is joking or just being difficult. Sorry you got a jerk.
That being said, I’m curious about the language we’re using, and where lines are really drawn as far as “ownership” of a space.
For example, you consider your post to be your space because you posted it to your page (options for limiting viewership of the content are then your responsibility) where as your former friend saw your liberal posts as entering his space (news feed, options for limiting what he sees are his responsibility).
Who’s space is it really? Just my thoughts, but yes unfriending a good solution to this problem.
It’s a fair, good question, @Evan Roberts. The way I tend to view it, when I post something, it’s to my Timeline; I can’t think about the Newsfeed aspect to it, because a) I don’t have enough insight into how the algorithm works vis a vis how/when a post of mine impacts another person’s Newsfeed, and, b) It’s certainly easy enough to ignore me in your Newsfeed, given all the other stuff you could focus on.
Just did this myself to a repeat offender. If someone’s just going to disagree for the sake of disagreeing and point fingers while they do it, I say toss them. Life is too short.
Absolutely it’s okay to unfriend. I have a friend who is not on facebook and honestly just got a gmail about 3 years ago . Shocking I know. And, yet in spite of it, she has a very healthy social life! Her reasoning for not “getting into facebook”: If she lost touch with someone, there was probably a reason for it. Why do we feel we have to have all these Facebook friends, people we don’t even like? To NOT block/unfriend him would have been a clear sign of narcissism!
Todd, I had a guy just like that on my Facebook account. And GET THIS. Before he started shitting all over my posts, I GOT HIM A REALLY GOOD JOB at a local company! And he STILL acted like that! I called him on it just like you did. Some people just are know-it-alls and can’t help themselves. You did the right thing.
@Claire, file that one under “no good deed goes unpunished.” Oh, and BTW, that same shitbird will come crawling to you AGAIN when he needs another recommendation. But you knew that.
Agree. That’s all. Well played.
I support undriending a-holes. Maybe when they realize they have no friends left they will do something about it. Good job!
I would’ve handled it the same way, Todd! It is hard to believe that people waste their own time on social media channels complaining for all the world to hear/read.
I’m scared if I disagree you’ll block me #obligatory
Some people just like to be dicks. Blocking them is always the right answer. It’s your personal space.
Absolutely loved your comment/reply “try liking a picture of my kids or something…” Hilarious, but true at the same time. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but to always disagree or be disagreeable is just a time waster. I thought your approach was measured and perfectly within your rights.
That said, that’s on a “personal” page. Not a professional one. How do you feel this applies to businesses, if at all? Is it right or wrong for them to delete posts from detractors or those who like some confrontation? Just curious to your thoughts on it.
Now THAT is a good question. Stay tuned.
I used to participate in a major book publisher’s social media program. We kept the posts of people who would disagree and stir up discussion, but we blocked them and deleted posts if they did not contribute any *meaningful* discussion and were only spewing negativity – that doesn’t serve any good purpose. For personal or professional pages.
It goes back to being respectful. Just like you don’t engage in flaming online (or act rudely to someone in their own house), you don’t pull this kind of crap. And it’s even more true if the person is continually doing it. What value do they add as a participant?
“we blocked them and deleted posts if they did not contribute any *meaningful* discussion and were only spewing negativity – that doesn’t serve any good purpose.”
–That works for me.